Perfect Divorce Letter Ever

If you’ve been through it, or maybe if you’re about to do it, you know that the split-o-rama is usually stressful but this story will free your brain from the strain.

The letter

Dear Wife, I’m writing this letter to you to tell you that I’m leaving you, forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell… Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week

Last week, you came home and didn’t even see that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

I’m gone

You stopped telling me that you love me; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever is the case, I’m gone. Your Ex-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear, ex-husband

Now comes the wife’s turn…
Dear Ex-Husband,

Receiving your letter made my day. It’s true you and I have been married for seven long years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I did not comment.

Confused with my sister

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone…

Carla or Carl?

Everything happens for a reason. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.